You Are Not Broken: Why We Need to Stop Pathologising Grief

The DSM-5 and the "Diagnosis" of Grief

In recent years, the medical world has introduced diagnoses like "Prolonged Grief Disorder." While this allows some people to access medication or insurance for therapy, it also carries a dangerous shadow side.

It suggests that grief has a timeline. It implies that if you are still wailing, broken, or unable to function six months or a year after a major loss, you are "sick."

Grief is Not the Flu

We treat grief like a virus: something foreign that invades us, makes us feel terrible, and then needs to be "cured" so we can get back to work.

But grief is not a virus. Grief is love.

It is the natural, healthy, biological response to the severing of an attachment. To say that deep, ongoing sorrow is a "disorder" is to pathologise our humanity.

The Difference Between Depression and Sorrow

In my Existential Integration work, we distinguish between clinical depression (which often involves a flatness, a lack of vitality, or a hatred of self) and deep sorrow.

Sorrow can be agonizing, but it is often incredibly alive. It is a fire. It is a testament to the depth of the bond you shared.

If you are grieving, please hear this: You are not broken. You do not need to be "fixed." You need to be held. You need a space where your wailing is welcome, where your slowness is honoured, and where you are not measured against a timeline of "recovery."

Your Emotions have Seasons

Just like we have seasons in a year, so do your emotions. Despite what society reinforces (the extroversion, the need to always be “on”, and the expectation of always smiling and “okay”), you have an entire colour palette of emotions. It is absolutely healthy and human to dip in and out of these colours. It can be helpful to reframe this expectation (as we do in my Existential Integration sessions), and to consider that our emotions are an asset rather than something working against us. Our emotions reveal subtle (or sometimes, not so subtle) cues into our deeper yearnings, desires and boundaries. They point out to us where we might need to give more attention, gentleness, compassion or space. They are an asset, and if we can begin relating to our “negative” emotions and experiences (like grief) in an empowering way, it gives us the space to have more acceptance and perspective in the trajectory of our journey.