The Waiting Room: Supporting a Loved One Through Voluntary Assisted Dying (VAD)
The Unique Grief of Knowing "When"
Voluntary Assisted Dying (VAD) is now a lawful end-of-life choice across Australia. While the medical and legal pathways are strict and well-defined, the emotional landscape is uncharted territory for most families.
When a loved one chooses VAD, you enter a strange liminal space: a "waiting room."
Unlike a natural death, which can be unpredictable, VAD often comes with a calendar date. Tuesday at 11:00 AM.
Knowing the exact moment a life will end brings a specific kind of pressure. You might feel a need to make every final conversation profound, or you might feel guilty for checking your watch. You might feel relief that their suffering is ending, followed immediately by shame for feeling relieved.
How to Be in the Room
Through Existential Integration and educational sessions, I help families prepare emotionally for this specific threshold. While I do not attend the death itself, I can help you design a plan to reclaim the space. Here is the guidance I often share:
1. Drop the Performance There is no script for the "perfect goodbye." You don't need to have a Hollywood deathbed scene. Sometimes, sitting in silence, holding hands, or watching their favourite TV show together is the most profound thing you can do.
2. Acknowledge the Ambivalence It is normal to support their choice and hate that it is happening. It is normal to want them to stay and want them to be free from pain. You can hold both truths.
3. Create a "Soft Landing" The procedure itself is clinical. You have the power to bring the humanity back into the room. This might look like:
Playing a curated playlist of songs they loved.
Anointing their hands or feet with oil before the medical team arrives.
Reading a poem or a blessing as they drift off.
You Don't Have to Walk it Alone
The VAD process focuses heavily on the medical logistics. My role is to hold the emotional container. Whether you need help planning those final rituals or just a safe space to vent the feelings you can't say to your dying loved one, support is available.